I think I died a long time ago.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
