I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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