i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I wish I only lived at night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
