Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
