No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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