I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
