I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
