I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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