we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
