I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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