Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
