we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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