Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
