Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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