I'm so fucking centered right now
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
