Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
