you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Drunk is not a location!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
