smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
