I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
