1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
