We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
