the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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