On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
