I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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