I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
