Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
