Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
