Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
