____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
