I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
