Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
