My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
