hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
