It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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