i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I forget how to act sober
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
