I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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