Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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