she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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