Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
