I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
