Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
