The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
