he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
