Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
