I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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