I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Apparently you make a good broom.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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