Please, let me fuck your mom
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
