I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sext me about skeletons
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
