apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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