I wish i was in the wii world.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
