Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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