I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
