I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
